


Ain't Nothin' But Mammals

by MoanDiary



Series: Moan Your Way Through Fuckruary [18]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Devil Face (Lucifer TV), Dialogue-Only, Established Relationship, F/M, Fuckruary 2021, Fuckruary 2021: Location Location Location, Fuckruary 2021: Talk to Me Baby, Humor, Museums, Neanderthals were hot: prove me wrong, Public Sex, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29142717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoanDiary/pseuds/MoanDiary
Summary: “Okay, tell me what’s wrong with the Neanderthals.”
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: Moan Your Way Through Fuckruary [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1626784
Comments: 24
Kudos: 127





	Ain't Nothin' But Mammals

“Well, I just got off the phone with Dan. Dr. Teague surrendered in his home when they confronted him with copies of the certificates of authenticity for the missing fossils. All we need to do here is let the museum director know that she can open the exhibit to the public again, and—Lucifer, are you even listening to me?”

“Yes, yes. Wrapping up the investigation, blah-dee-blah. The usual. This case was tedious, anyway.”

“What are you even looking at?”

“Oh, just enjoying some of the hilariously inaccurate displays that pass for ‘education’ to you people.”

“All right, I’ll humor you. What’s wrong with the stegosaurus skeleton, Lucifer?”

“Well, in addition to many of its bones having been placed incorrectly, this illustration on the placard neglects to depict its gorgeous plumage and entertainingly obscene fat deposits.”

“Well, Trixie had a dinosaur phase, and made it abundantly clear to me that we know about the feather thing now. Even if thinking about it ruins _Jurassic Park_ for me. But how are we supposed to know about fat deposits based on fossils?”

“Regarding _Jurassic Park—_ for me, it’s quite the opposite, I assure you. You know the advice about picturing an audience nude in order to treat stage fright? Well, seeing a dinosaur nude achieves essentially the same purpose. It was like watching those irritating children be chased by a pair of giant plucked chickens, compared to how imposing they _actually_ were. If it weren’t for Jeff Goldblum taking his shirt off, the film would have been entirely irredeemable.

“And take this diorama here, depicting the daily lives of Neanderthals during the last ice age. Preposterous, of course. Totally inaccurate. But I do love visiting your natural history museums just to see how outrageously off-base they are. Sometimes I think archaeologists are just _trying_ to amuse me.”

“Okay, tell me what’s wrong with the Neanderthals.”

“Well, they were far more attractive, for one thing. Sure, they were a strong-featured lot, but more in the vein of, say, Ron Perlman or David Harbour than an ape. Brutal in an intelligent, sexy way. Incredibly well-muscled for the time, far stronger than humans of the era. And surprisingly well-groomed considering the cosmetics and toiletries available to them. They were lethal hunters, and animals weren’t the little fluffy things you see nowadays. We’re talking about mastodons, aurochs, cave bears. All bloody huge. You saw a Neanderthal coming towards you across the tundra and you knew you were in for a fun and extremely athletic night.”

“You can’t be telling me you slept with Neanderthals.”

“Oh, can’t I?”

“No! It’s...gross.”

“Well, tell that to your ancestors. They certainly didn’t mind taking a walk on the wild side back in the day. Doing a little extra-species philandering. You know, it’s not all that much different from what’s going on between you and me, when you think about it.”

“Ew. No. Ew. It’s totally different.”

“Is it? You’re a human, I’m an angel. Totally different species, really. We even have a different number of limbs. Genetically, you probably have more in common with a cockroach than you do with me.”

“You say that, and yet you and the cockroach have the same number of limbs.”

“In fact, I’m more like the ancient human in this relationship, attracted to the more primitive species.”

“Excuse me. _Primitive?_ Let’s talk about the time you decided that never sleeping again was the solution to a sleepwalking problem.”

“It was a sleep- _flying_ problem, to be exact, and your example merely serves to prove my point, Detective. As a more sophisticated being, I don’t strictly require sleep.”

“Oh, really? And you’re gonna tell me that mistaking an episode of _Bones_ for reality is the mark of superior mental capacity, I bet.”

“If you’d only agree to watch a few episodes, I’m sure you’d understand how grippingly realistic and relevant to our lives it is.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I don’t know why you’re so offended, anyways. Isn’t it just a little bit exciting, paddling outside of the gene pool? Thinking about how different I am? How special you are to catch my attention? Do you sometimes wonder about all the other people I’ve lain with, when my cock’s inside you? My, my, are you blushing, Detective?”

“Lucifer, we are in a _museum_. I’ve been here with Trixie on school trips.”

“A closed exhibit in a museum. It’s just you, me, and the woefully inaccurate wax Neanderthals. No one here to see or hear anything. We can duck into the papier-mâché cave over there in the Stone Age Eurasia display and I can demonstrate all of my species’ unique advantages.”

“Lucifer…”

“ _Detective_.”

“...Okay, but the display with the asteroid killing all the dinosaurs instead. It’s more out of the way. And less...well-lit.”

“Ooh, apocalyptic. I like it.”

“Please don’t make me regret this.”

“Mmm, my dearest and most beloved little human, have you ever regretted it so far? Even once?”

“Not yet, but there’s always a first time. Ugh, this fake ash is much deeper than I expected it to be.”

“Hopefully it’s not asbestos. Watch out for the little trees; they’re sharp.”

“Hold on. Back up. _What?_ ”

“They used to use asbestos for this kind of thing, but I’m sure it’s been phased out.”

“Ugh. Can you fuck me against the volcano instead? I never want to have to have to say ‘I got asbestos in my vagina’ to a doctor.”

“Gladly! Mind the crater.”

“Mmm, _Lucifer.”_

“Ooh, _Detective!_ ”

“Ngh...I need...can you…”

“Want me to hold you up with one arm? Show you my supernatural strength? Do you want me to take out my wings? Do you want to be fucked by an angel, hmm?”

“No...could you...with your face?”

“What?”

“A million humans—and Neanderthals, apparently—had that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great. But only I get to fuck the Devil.”

“Oh, _Chloe_. Come here, you pervert.”

“There he is. Mmm, do that again. _Please_. Yes, yes, harder—oh—oh, fuck! Ohhh—”

* * *

“That was…”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“Lucifer?”

“Yes, my love?”

“I think I still got asbestos in my vagina.”


End file.
